Where I’m at now


It took me a long time to write this post… And even longer to bite the bullet and publish.

I really thought my days of blogging were over. Don’t get me wrong, I love writing. I love blogging. I love putting my thoughts and ideas and feelings into words.

What I don’t like is having others read those words. It feels a bit like publishing your diary for the entire world to see. This feeling is exceptionally true when writing about something close to the heart. I fear judgment. Doesn’t everyone?

This post is extremely close to my heart. So please take these words with kindness and an open heart and mind.

Here goes…

For the past few months I’ve been at a standstill. You could describe it as a crossroads… But a crossroads implies you have a choice of certain directions, whereas I didn’t even have options in front of me. You see, for the past 3 years I have been a stay at home mom to our little firecracker R. This was a full time job and my thoughts, energy. and time were dedicated to keeping this person alive and happy and healthy.

She’s three now and fiercely independent. She attends school 3 days a week and even when she’s home with me, she needs very little in the way of entertainment and supervision. Gone are the days of feedings every few hours, or diaper changes, or following her around the house to make sure she doesn’t get into something awful or injure herself.

Don’t get me wrong. I am ecstatic for these changes! I am over the moon. And nothing makes me happier than seeing little R develop into a strong intelligent little person.

But I’m left with open and empty spaces that were once filled with busyness and meaning. I was left with the question: What now? Where do I go from here?

In my pre-baby life, I was a social studies teacher. I LOVED it. But in my opinion, teaching is more than a full time job. Teaching is a 70 hour a week, go home and lesson plan, grade papers until the wee hours of the night job. I loved it but I wasn’t ready to be away from R for that amount of time. I’m. just. not. ready…… yet.

I came across the writings of Ruben Chavez online and one tidbit of wisdom really stuck out to me.

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It’s difficult to figure out the big picture. It’s much easier to focus on the small things each day, and pay attention to the things that excite you.

So I focused on the small things, day to day.

I started filling my free time with classes, and books, and personal development. I began each day with meditation and a positive affirmation.

And then…. kismet. I came across an opportunity to do a 4 week yoga immersion. At the end of the classes, I would be certified to teach yoga. This seemed like the perfect opportunity to turn something I loved into something with purpose.

But I was afraid. Again, I fear judgment. I also fear failure. Becoming an instructor implies expertise. I LOVED yoga. I had been doing it for years and left even the most strenuous bikram (hot) yoga class feeling amazing. But was I an expert? NOPE.

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I shake. I even sometimes fall. I’m definitely not the most flexible person in any class I attend. I am a big believer in listening to your body. Sometimes my body tells me not to even attempt something and get my butt back into child’s pose.

Please believe me, I had no illusions about my abilities or knowledge.

But I love to learn. I love to challenge myself. I want to keep growing. I have the very firm belief that human beings were not meant to stay sedentary. Not to be dramatic, but I truly felt that if I stopped moving, stopped growing, stopped challenging myself… I would probably die. Maybe not physical death… but over time little pieces of my spirit would die off. I could feel it.

My husband was finally the one who pushed me to take the plunge and sign up. He had watched me struggle to find meaning and purpose in my suddenly quiet life. He also may have liked the connotations that come with telling people his wife was a yoga instructor…. But I digress.

So here I am. And perhaps because I am a masochist, or perhaps because I love writing just as much as I love learning, I’m going to blog about it. I’ll be updating as I go through the immersion and share my experience.

More to come!

Love & light

Katy

 

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