As I await the beginning of my yoga immersion (classes start in two weeks!) I’ll be sharing with you some of the fears and doubts I have about going further into being a full on instructor. I’ve already discussed my obvious lack of expertise. I’m well practiced but I would never consider myself a “pro”.
Another fear or concern I have is that I don’t fit into the box of your typical yogi. This may sound silly as anyone at any stage of their life can enjoy the benefits of meditation, mindfulness, and yoga. But, bear with me….
To explain, I have to tell you a story.
Way back when Little R was just a little fetus, I had already decided what type of mommy I would be. I read up on attachment parenting and the fourth trimester. I planned to breastfeed exclusively and babywear constantly. I wanted a natural birth but in the safe confines of a hospital. But you know what they say about the best made plans…
I ended up with complications that put me and Little R at risk for a number of issues. I won’t go in to all the gory details but this Mama ended up with an induction as well as a c-section. Honestly, I have absolutely no regrets about it. We both made it out healthy and for that I am grateful.
A few more holes in my plan developed when Little R refused to breastfeed and HATED being confined to any type of baby wearer. Now as I have gotten to know her stubborn little personality it makes more sense. But at the time, I just thought she hated me and I was an awful mother. I was devastated.
What made the whole situation worse was the judgment I received from all the natural holistic mamas I had met through pregnancy. I exclusively pumped milk for Little R for a whopping 13 months, which I thought was pretty darn impressive. But I was still told that she wasn’t getting the full benefits of breastfeeding because she wasn’t physically latching on to my breast. I suddenly didn’t fit in with the community I had built up around myself.
In other ways, I feel like I’m an enigma. I 100% believe in yoga and meditation and healthy eating as a viable way to prevent anxiety. BUT, I’m also on medication. I’ve found that the combination of both works well for me. EVERYONE IS DIFFERENT.
I believe in eating healthy and organic. I love chia seed pudding and quinoa and kombucha. BUT I also really like sour patch kids and icees sometimes.
IF you tell me you’re not feeling well, there’s a high chance I will recommend a certain type of tea or supplement or essential oil. BUT I also believe in doctors and antibiotics and medical intervention when those natural treatments fail.
I’m a big animal rights activist. BUT you might also find me eating a giant gluten free hamburger on a random night.
I’m not vegan. But I do know lots of vegan recipes bc I don’t eat dairy for health reasons. I’m not educated on the healing powers of crystals. But I’m definitely open to learning. I only have a basic knowledge Chakras, mudras, mantras etc.
Also, (the dumbest concern of all) these breasts… fake. Nothing organic or natural about them. Oops.
I guess I’m rambling a little bit. And I know that I sound pretty insecure and irrational.
Basically my fear is that I won’t measure up. I wont fit the box. I suppose time will tell.
What do you think? Let me know!
Love & light